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Calypso
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Posted: Mon Mar 16th, 2009 04:21 am |
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Just a smile is enough to release a cocktail of neuro-chemicals that reduce anger, decrease stress and anxiety and inspire creativity. A smile can energize you and even make you more optimistic.
Smiling is said to be the beginning of laughter and a good laugh brings the same benefits of a smile and more. A good hearty laugh can help reduce stress, lower blood pressure, elevate your mood, dissolve anger, boost your immune system and improves brain function.
An added bonus is that in one study, people who used humour were seen as more intelligent, creative and competent than those who didn’t !! ………… and it’s free !!
Post any good jokes here ......... that way they can be found easily 
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Calypso
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Posted: Mon Mar 16th, 2009 04:24 am |
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Here's one I heard recently 
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards...
The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father ."
The little boy replied "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar".
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Calypso
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Posted: Mon Mar 16th, 2009 04:28 am |
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This one's an oldie .......
Krassing De Barder
A California Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the Guyanese driver that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won US$5,000 in the State safety competition.
"So, what are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I gwan get a driver licence," he answered with pride and jubilation.
"Oh, don't listen to he, na." yelled the Trinidadian woman in the passenger's seat. "He always a smart ass when he drunk."
This commotion woke up the Barbadian guy in the back seat. He took one look at the cop and moaned, "Oh s***-rass, I knew we ain' gon' get far in no tiefin car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a Jamaican voice yelled out, "Hey! I man mek it krass de barda yet?!"
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Calypso
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Posted: Mon Mar 16th, 2009 04:36 am |
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Another one I heard recently
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that s*** again."
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Calypso
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Posted: Sun Apr 5th, 2009 07:21 am |
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This one is compliments of Googs
The guy who got nothing
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and
women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole
Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think
with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting
into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she
eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want
you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet
dreads to hear...
You're just not in touch with my emotional needs
as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a
man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't
you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I
went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to
spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then
went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I
walked around with her while she tried on several different
very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one
to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She
wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,
Let's get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a
pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so
excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a
shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she
asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know
how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's
fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction
from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited
anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No
honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with
a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff
for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial
needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs
as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill
me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I
am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at
least she knows I'm smarter than her.
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Gatekeeper
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Posted: Thu Apr 23rd, 2009 08:55 pm |
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Rude Bus Driver
One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says
"Wow, that is one ugly baby."
The woman was deeply hurt. She continued to get on to the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asked her,
"What's wrong? You look mad."
She replied,
"I am. That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied.
"He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take his badge number and report him."
"You're right sir, I think I will report him."
The elderly man says,
"You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."
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mona-p.
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Posted: Sun Apr 26th, 2009 08:59 pm |
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Donovan was on his death bed.
His wife, Leila, was maintaining at his bedside.
She held his hand as tears ran down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Mih dahlin, Leila," he whispered
"Hush mih, love," she said. "Rest, shhh.......don talk."
He was insistent. "Leila" he said, in his tired voice.
"Me have some ting me hafa confess to yuh."
"Yuh have nuttin to confess." replied the weeping Leila.
"Every ting alright, go to sleep mih love."
"No, no, me hafa die in peace, my love........ Me sleep wit yuh
sister, yuh best friend and yuh mudda."
"Me know," answered Leila, "dats why me poison yuh rass".
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mona-p.
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Posted: Sun Apr 26th, 2009 09:08 pm |
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Rastaman Loan Application
PERSONAL INFORMATION
Name - Bobo Dread Amaka Baka Fari
Age - I man noh count birtday
Date of Birth - Mi sey Rasta noh deal wid dem tings deh man
Address - Uppa di Hills a Wesmorlan
Tel. No. - I man Doan participate ina di Bablyon system
Marital Status & No. of Children- I an I hav nuff comman law wife an 21
likkle soljas a run bout roun di island
Occupation: Sell Jelly coknat pan Spanish Town Rd. and weed outta mi
kitchen winda
Company Name - I man noh kip company yuh noh seeit
Present Position - Mi like di Lizzad lap positian .. but mi open to any
adda position, yuh noh seet
FINANCIAL INFORMATION
Average Monthly Income - Depends pan di season and di demands fi di
weed...some time bizniss slow an ting
Credit Reference- More Fyah! I man noh deal wid credit...strickly up
front
dallas a do it
Unsecured Overdraft Limit- Chat English .. a wha di Bloodfire dat?
Secured Overdraft Limit- Mi sey yuh fi chat English!!
Personal Loan Amount -Tony owe mi bout 40 gran .. a gwine buss im
(**#$%!&*&^%$) when a buck im up
Monthly Payment - Ask Tony cause a monts now mi noh si nat a cent fram
im
No of Monthly Payment Outstanding - Yuh def? Mi seh Tony noh gi mi back
mi
money so all a it outstanding
Mortgage Loan Amount -Mi noh pay margage fi mi zinc shed .. is I man
build dat
Monthly Payment -Yuh com back a ask di same foolishness?
No of Monthly Payment Outstanding -Is wha do dis ooman dowe eeh?
MI SEY TONY NOH PAY MI YET!!
This interview is over ... Application for Loan Denied
GOH WEH!!! unu hypocrite an Sadomite unu!????????
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Calypso
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Posted: Mon Apr 27th, 2009 12:30 am |
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mona-p.
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Posted: Tue Apr 28th, 2009 03:17 am |
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Calypso
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Posted: Tue Apr 28th, 2009 08:35 am |
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900 Jobs Inna Jeopardy
A man from "deep country" went to the Montego Bay Airport, very
hysterical, carrying his luggage, passport, and other necessary items for
travel. He anxiously asked the agent at the ticket counter, (with thick
Jamaican accent)" Do, sell me a ticket to Jeopardy, ma'am." The agent
looked confused."Jeopardy, Sir? Where is that?" The man got even more
anxious & agitated. "Mi nuh ha' time fi fool. Jus' sell mi a ticket to
Jeopardy."
The agent looked through her map and other materials. "Sir, there is no
such place! Are you sure that's where you need to travel?" The man lost
his temper and slammed his fist on the counter."Look, 'ooman. Mi seh
mi nuh have time fi fool. Mi hear pon mi radio dis mawning seh 900 jobs
inna Jeopardy so ah de suh mi wan' fi go NOW!"
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Calypso
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Posted: Tue Apr 28th, 2009 08:41 am |
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Three questions
A Jamaican is at the Gates of Heaven. St Peter: I have to ask you three questions before I can let you in.
Jamaican: No problem
St Peter: Which day of the week begin with the letter "T"?
Jamaican: Today and tomorrow
St. Peter: Well, that wasn't really the answer I was looking for but I'll give you the second question. How many seconds are there in a year?
Jamaican: 12
St. Peter: How did you arrive at 12?
Jamaican: 2nd of January, 2nd of Feb, 2nd of March, 2nd of ...
By now St. Peter is getting exasperated with this foo-fool Jamaican.
St. Peter: Final question now. What is the name of our Lord and Saviour?
Jamaican: Andy
St. Peter: Good God man, don't you read your Bible?
Jamaican: Yes, but every time mi guh a church dem sing: Andy walks with
me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me that I am his own...
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Calypso
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Posted: Tue Apr 28th, 2009 08:56 am |
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What they want peeps to say at their funeral
Three fellahs .... A Trini, a Bajan and a Guyanese were talking bout if they in they casket and friends and family are mourning over them, what they would like to hear them say 'bout them?
The first fella, de Trini say, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man."
The second fella, de Baje say, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who mek a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The third fella, de Guyanese say, "I would like to hear them say...... LAWDA MERCY ..... LOOK DEY, HE MOVING!!!!!"
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Calypso
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Posted: Wed Apr 29th, 2009 06:26 am |
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A bus ride in de Yard
Ever wonder what it would be like if Jamaican buses were set up like airlines, with the flight attendant and captain giving safety instructions? ...........
Bus driver speaking on the intercom: Welcome to Bus numbah 40 running from Papine to Down Town Kingston. Please direct yuh attention to di ConDuctah who will instruc' yuh on our safety and model features.
ConDuctah: Hail up massive! We want yuh fih know dat yuh ah ride pon de safes' bus dat run pon de Papine to Downtown route. The moggle of our bus is a 1980 Encava, own and operate by Rough Rider Transpote. Dis moggle cyan survive any adversities an' cantravasies. As unnu can see dis bus get nuff lick up an' bad man shot it up nuff time an' it still ah drive like new!
This bus seat up to 55 passenger, 'owevah, due to hour commitment to excellent service, we no leave anybady straddling inna de streets. So expect to 'ave up to 140 people in yah by de time we reach downtown.
Durin' de journey we may encountah unexpected turbulences.......... dese are known as pot holes. In de case of a sudden bump, please refrain fram bawlin' out "Lard Jesus mi dead now!" Our drivah is an experience drivah an' will mek sure de axle an' wheel noh bruck aff inna one a dem.
But in case we drap inna one an cyan come out, puleez do not climb troo de window dem til unnu pay unnu bus fare....... or I will shat unnu r*ss wid mih 45.
Dis bus no equip wid seat belt. Please hole on pon de railin' when de bus a tun de canah dem. De bus is capable of drivin' pon 2 wheels 'roun' all canahs an' bends. When de bus a tun one wicked canah pon 2 wheelie, we hask dat de seated passengers bear it if s'maddy slide dung inna dem seat an' squash yuh 'gainst de bus side. De seated passengers may experience standin' passengers losin' dem balance an' falling ovah pon unnu ... please no yell out, "ey batty bway, coom aff a mi r*ss lap!" Dat might cause a serious shootout!
On hexiting de bus, please don' expect de bus to come to a full stop. We haskin' dat yuh hop aff a di bus an' step skillfull .... if unnu drap an' lan' pon unnu backside an' bruck sinting, Rough Rider noh response.
Dis is NOT a non-stop journey. As a mattah ah fact we stop any which part we waan fih stop, at every yaad gate - all inna miggle ah de road we stop. Howevah dis bus noh stop fih police ... in case of an unexpected police chase, the drivah will be forced to increase de bus' normal speed from 100 mph to 160 mph. Yuh will be instructed to 'ole on tight an shet unnu mout.
In case dis bus is hijacked by a terroris' known as "pickpocket", hole de bway an' murda 'im, to r*ss. Dat said, if wi reach downtown innah wan piece please prepare fi new passenger fih shoob unnu dung before unnu cyan get aff. Noh mine dem ..... seat kinah ration.
Tank yuh for tekin' de iriest Rough Rider Encava pon de route.... and 'ope you henjoy de ride.
DRIVAH - PRESS OUT !!
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Calypso
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Posted: Tue May 5th, 2009 02:36 am |
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Big shot Trini (This could be any other Caribbean person)
Big shot trini, Joe grew up in Barataria by Jumbee bridge, then went away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to T&T because he felt he could be a BigShot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office on St Vincent Street among the big sawatees.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to create a big impression for this new prospective client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe grab up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Supreme Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be making the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide the necessary support."
He went on playing himself, "Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently and quite unperturbed as Joe rattled instructions filled with endless legal jargon. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from TSTT, the telephone company, I came to hook up your phone."
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mona-p.
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Posted: Mon May 11th, 2009 06:07 am |
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Guess who got caught speeding?...
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Calypso
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Posted: Tue May 12th, 2009 12:02 am |
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Googley
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Posted: Tue May 12th, 2009 03:55 pm |
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| is dat Maps riding the donkey?
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Calypso
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Posted: Thu Jun 11th, 2009 12:56 am |
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Clever Guyanese woman
A Guyanese woman and a Guyanese man are involved in a car accident;
it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So you're a Guyanese man; that's interesting. I'm a Guyanese woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left,
but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together
in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with
you completely! This must be a sign from God!"
The Guyanese woman continued, "And look at this, here's
another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of
wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this
wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the Guyanese man. The man nods
his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the
bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The
woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back
on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for
the police."
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Calypso
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Posted: Thu Jun 11th, 2009 01:06 am |
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Cricket comes first
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"
The first guy says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
The other fellah replies "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
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StevieC
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Posted: Tue Jun 23rd, 2009 02:27 am |
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| Grandma joke is great...Yard Bus Ride is a close second!!!!!! great stuff...keep it coming...
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StevieC
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Posted: Tue Jun 23rd, 2009 03:33 am |
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| I read the Yardie Bus Service announcement joke to the kids...rolling with laughter....that is so funny
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Plato
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Posted: Mon Jul 20th, 2009 05:57 pm |
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OK Cali - just for you and to make my contribution... ( you may have heard this one before or a version of it anyway)
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is adescription of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value ofthe products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper maychoose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floorthe sign on the door reads:
Floor 1- These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help withHousework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has attractive wives who love sex and have money and like beer and TV.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Last edited on Mon Jul 20th, 2009 05:59 pm by Plato
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Plato
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Posted: Fri Sep 11th, 2009 07:07 pm |
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THE AMISH ELEVATOR
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year- old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son.....'Go get your mother.'
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Calypso
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Posted: Fri Oct 9th, 2009 12:19 pm |
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| Good ones Plates
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ketch_im
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Posted: Fri Oct 9th, 2009 04:05 pm |
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Cal ,
you took a month to laugh at Plate' s joke ?? 
This Chinese school mate and me used to go watch comedies at Hollywood .
De guy only laughed when we were outside after Jerry Lewis movie done !!
I enquired after a few times and he explained dat IF he laughed ' during de movie ' ,
his eyes would close and he would miss de punch line !!
____________________
Certified Cricketer
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Calypso
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Posted: Sat Oct 17th, 2009 08:59 am |
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ketch_im wrote: Cal ,
you took a month to laugh at Plate' s joke ??
LOL ............. I wasn't around for a long time ........remember?
Yeah and I heard that in Guyana about not laughing in de cinema
Arrite lemme find some more humour to keep life ticking along
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Calypso
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Posted: Thu Nov 12th, 2009 11:59 am |
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I need some laughter meds .......
Just remembered DP's 'bootie call' post .... that was hilarious
Where are ya Abuja?
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